Isaac Kaplan

"Is it any wonder I've got too much time on my hands?"

Thursday, November 09, 2006

The 90's JTS List, Part 2

In part 1, I listed 15 things that have jumped the shark the most since the 90's. A few commenters left some fine suggestions. Well, here's 15 more:

1) Republicans in Congress - the Republican Revolution of 1994 feels like a million years ago. They came in with a lot of promise and a "Contract with America," and left with record spending, huge deficits, and scandals.

2) Pleats - Thanks to all the metrosexuals, Structure became ExpressMen, and now Gap's pleated khakis are no longer available in store. What a shame. Pleated pants are much more comfortable, and less exposing, too.

3) Celine Dion - When Titanic came out, everyone thought "My Heart Will Go On" was the best song ever written in the history of mankind. I wasn't impressed. I'll take Mariah Carey over her any day, both in the looks and voice department. And Mariah's had a huge comeback, while Dion has slipped into irrelevance.

4) Bonkers Bagels - Two lessons here: 1) don't expand too fast; 2) Israelis do pitas and lafas, not bagels. When my cousin went into the Har Nof branch and was told he couldn't get a bagel, only a cholly roll, we knew these guys were done.

5) Light grey suits - Borat wears one. Enough said.

6) The Yankees - their payroll shot up like crazy, and all the classy guys left. Now they've got jerks like A-Rod, Moose, and Randy Johnson, and all those guys can't do anything in the clutch. They've been an October embarrassment for the past five years. Give me O'Neill, Brosius, Curtis, Leyritz, and Sojo over those clowns any day.

7) Scott Ferrell - "You Da man!" "How could I be the man if you the man!?" The yeshiva guys loved this nut. Plenty of Yankels and Yossels from Brooklyn called up and heard him do that stupid pouring sound effect. Aside from Buster Olney's blog, the term "The Man" is no longer used. And the yeshiva guys have moved on to ESPN Radio's Stephen A. Smith.

8) Teal - The Marlins were into it, the Mariners were too, and so were the Devil Rays. This is embarrassing, but I was into teal suits for a while, too. But with the Diamondbacks being the last baseball team to officially drop teal from the unis, I think teal has officially jumped the shark. It's about time.

9) Newt Gingrich - I had teachers who despised this guy back in the day. He was probably the most hated Republican of the 90's. Once he started talking health care reform with Hillary, I knew he lost it. These days, he does a softie interview with O'Reilly every now and then. His book from a few years ago is probably in the B&N bargain section by now.

10) The Atkins Diet - everyone thought they were hot stuff when they melted off 50 pounds in a month. Then they realized it's kind of ridiculous to swear off carbs for life. And guess what? They got sick of eggs and steak, whipped out the challah and Entenmann's, and got fat again. And to top it off, Atkins filed for Chapter 11.

11) Music stores - First The Wall went down, then Sam Goody, now Tower is closing up. Who's next, Virgin or FYE?

12) Wal-Mart - The libs really started ripping them the past few years, and now Target is on their tail.

13) Ford - when my grandfather got his '91 Escort, my oldest brother couldn't contain his excitement. Now the Escort and the Taurus are no longer, and Ford has been taking quite a bath lately.

14) Car alarms - Thanks, Rudy. I hated when it would rain on Shabbos and all of these would go off. I was always fascinated by the evolution of the alarm chimes. At one point, the various alarms had unique chimes. Near the end, though, the alarms featured a medley of all the different chimes. One of my creepy neighbors was once singing along to the chimes medley.

15) Michael Jackson - I was watching the 1993 Super Bowl halftime show on YouTube the other night. Wow. The guy was talented, and worshipped. After his Yidi Kolko incident and a few lousy albums, he's sold Neverland and is trying to appeal to European countries ten years behind.

Hey, there's still more to come.


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